Getting to know me

Well this is my first Blog entry.I am 39 years old and I am a very fat man.I live a very lonely life and I hate myself most of the time.I do videos to make people laugh.But inside I am starved for the attention of a man.I always was a child of depression.I tryed committing suicide as a teenager.I lived in a small town as a boy.And My father was a pastor of a local church.And my mother was a Sunday school teacher.Being Gay as a child was very hard.I was told I was not normal and my family was often ashmed of me.But I never truly found a boyfriend it being a small town and all.But I will tell you more about my life in more blogs to come.I still long for that enbrace of someone.I have had a computer for 2 years now.And I have only found 2 people who have been honest with me.My life in general is very lonely.I care for my ailing mother who is blind and is bed Ridden.I also care for a step sister who is also bed ridden.Sometimes my days seen very mundane.I have no money as I am disabled myself.But I do the best I can.I try to make friends on the net.In real life I have no friends to speak of.My PC is my only conpainion .I myself have so much love to give.But I have noticed in todays society.Most men dont want love.They want only a few other needs.Manly sex. Which is great.But I want a romance.I never really had someone to care and need me.Most only want to use me.Which I am not conplaning about it.I let them do it for the attention.In other words I go on with my mundane life and they go off the net with there charmed lifes after out chat or so.I believe that alot of Gay men today feel the PC is a sex object.Being my size any attention is good.But I have days where I never brush my hair or even shower.Because of my depression.And helping mother and sister can play a toll on one soul.But What am I to do? I recently went to my Doctor for a checkup.I go every 2 months.She told me I wouldnt live very long because of all my health problems.My size,Herdity,Etc,,, But I did not cry because I feel My time on earth will come to a end soon anyhow.With Diabetes,Heart disease,Tyroid problem and My Deep depreesion I take over 13 different meds perday.So My life is pretty much set.I continue to laugh,cry,hurt,sleep,eat,you know the drill.I try making new friends sometimes.But lately I been pushing people away.I met a guy online recently who I really like.I feel he likes me.But Its still up in the air as I write this.He does not want know one to know we are together.Maybe because of a secret.I maybe I am his dirty secret.Who knows? But I still need him.He talks so good to me and I need a good friend.But we will see if it works out? I am hoping for a life someday.Because being poor and Not having nothing is very shameful when you have no one,No family,And no life at all.I guess I can watch the roaches crawl?Well anyhow,As I said earlier it justs seems my days are numbered.I am also a Pagen for I turned againist the church ofter the abuse as a child.But I have found my way finally.Pagens are very liberal people.And I enjoy the meditation on a daily basis.How can one be happy I think sometimes??? Well I dont know? Maybe when life does finally end ,then finally one can find peace serenity and most of all love.Maybe heaven is being held,Loved,Kissed,And all your dreams rolled up in one.I sure hope so cause this living exsistance is a far cry from anything perfect.I will continue to blog about my life.Dont feel sorry for me either.I am to blame for my own problems.We all have a destiny.And the path you choose is of your own making! Thanks for your time.Ray