Sitting here doing nothing!!

TToday marks a milestone in my life. Its been a year since I got my PC I had such high hopes for meeting people and getting away from the lonliness i have endured all these years. The first month Last Nov 2008 I joined www.bearwww.com with many hopes of meeting a nice guy who would love me fully. I met a few I can name them in order First there was joesph,The dashing lover who was cute and from Russia .He soon lost interest in me and disapeared fully.Then Came Nach ,Now nach cared alot for me but he couldnt quit thinking about his boyfriend steve. I asked him for a exclusive chat ,and we did for awile. But He was very pushy and very unfeeling. I think we both lost interest in each other.I do think of him time from time though.Then I met Ron a 66 year old whos green eyed monster caught up with him over Nach.Than I met Brendan from Australia.Very sexy But he was taken at the time so we didnt talk too much.He will come back into the picture soon.Then Last January I got a Email from a guy named James. James seemed nice but couldnt get over his lover who passed away. This was hard for me But I really liked him But he was not responding in a way I needed. Months passed a few guys Like Garth, And Chris came and gone.I finally quit useing bear network and decided only to use it every 3 weeks.Over the months James was hot on my tail no pun intended.But last August I recieved a Email from this Kilner dude. He was very persistant in talking and caming with me.I put it off for awile thinking a flash in the pan.Then one night I decieded to give this a chance.I always wanted him more than any of the others I had spoke too.So we started talking.James was a tied bit angry.But I had made no commitment .I meen he wouldnt commit to me at all.So why should I wait on him.But I gave him a rough way to go for awile.But after we finally cammed I saw in his eyes he didnt want me at all. It was just that look of seeing me.The surprise of it all.So I quit bothering him at all.On the other hand Brendan I fell in love with. But then enters a guy named Eian who used to mow my grass. I never knew he was a chaser. So the fighting began But by this time I was so tired which leeds up to now. I often wonder if love is just a emotion one will get in the afterlife. I meen people here on earth seem to have there own agenda.But I am certain that I always ask for too much.I am always competeing with another Guys lover. I wonder if I will ever have my lover one that will talk about me only. One that will send me romance and flowers and I will take care of his needs as I should.Gay men being me too .Seen to lack communication skills. I tend to love to easy and get hurt.Being abused as a child I tend to ask for to much attention.And I am willing to do almost anything to get this.After 2 nervous breakdowns in my life 2 rapes and a slew of beating by various family members as a child . I am still so scared inside Hoping and praying that that man I dreamed about so long ago as a child will be in my arms.I am hoping it will be Brendan.But time will tell. My days come and go.I care for my mother constant.And she gets sicker everyday. When She is gone I have nothing but bad useless memories of days gone bye.I mean my childhood was horror in itself .After being raped at 10 by the boy in the neighborhood and being told I was the one to blame To my father abusing me with belts,hangers,tools anything he could get his hands on he hit me.And never having that love in my life has played sort of a toll on my body and mind. I guess i could try harder But what is harder? I meen I am the nicest guy you would ever want to meat. But most use me and throw me to the dogs when finished with me.They get what they want and then they are gone.Anyhow enough of the 80s Drama queen dramatics. I was thinking the other day about a time in 1986 when I was 16 years old.A guy who hated me on the bus tryed to cut my throat with a can. I got away from him He was another student at the High school i attended.Back in those days it was not very cool to say I am gay.So he hated me for my openiness.That day I left the bus with a cut next to my throat.I didnt try to go home because I was told I was not normal there either.So I want to a forest outside of our suburban complex. I layed on the ground hoping to die.But I woke up around 7pm.As a dog from down the street was licking my wounds.I got hell when I got home.Ofcourse it was my fault.My parents blamed me for being to openly gay.Only if I would find a sweet christian girl.YA RIGHT.But I often wonder if i was not to wake that day that my life would not be the shambles it is?? Maybe that was my time to go from this so called universe.Maybe I was supposed to die in that forest that day?I will never know.Thank you for reading my Blog. Love and huggs and kisses always.And If we never speak again always remember that Life comes in circles and we will meet again someday. Chat lines are only one way. oxoxox

More and more Depression!!

Hello to everyone who reads my blog.From the looks not to many. Anyhow Brendan leaves to go back to sydney tomorrow for 6 months.I will miss him dearly. But I feel all alone again. Its seems that I cant seem to get someone in my life for a long period of time. My depression has really been so bad in the last week that at time I feel very hopeless, confused, and very sleepy.I often want to cry but cant. My lonliness is very bad. Its seems I spend most of my time with this PC. I have a few friends who have been trying to contact me.James has been trying very hard. Also some others I have not named. Then I get a Email from a guy I had been talking too for awile. His name was tyree. He seemed very pushy and unsure of his own sexuality. His religious beliefs stood in our way of being more. I knew him before Brendan. He knew how I felt and often pushed and pleaded with me to come to my home.And when i refused he got angry and upset. I often dont have visitors. My mother is bed ridden and I care for her around the clock.So It can be very hard trying to just let anyone come over. Eian has been bothering me alot too. But Most only want to have sex with me and push me away. I have had that so much.When I refuse casual sex with a guy They loose interest. I want Romance Flowers sweet talk and sex. I want a guy to love me Cuddle me and hold me tight.I just wish I was being held each night. I have so much love to give. But It seems hopeless. The other night I ate 3 donuts and a whole bag of candy. BIG BAG! LoL My diabetic level was over 600 I fell asleep quick after.I notice myself trying to induce sleep as much as possible.But My insomnia is my lonliness. That cold bed. I just hate turning that light out and no one to hold or hold me.I often wonder if I am a one of a kind. I have notice that most guys over 99 percent Think manly about casual sex. My life seems very useless and very boring. I often get up Mom has her bath I help change bed,Diaper, And make her something to eat . I eat by myself in the living room with my dog smokey.Then Buy evening shes fast asleep and I am alone with my PC. Smokey sleeps from the bore.I recently told my doctor about my constant depression. She said she was keeping a eye on me.Most will have a memory of me one day when I am gone from this life to the next. My videos on youtube and my sweetness of being friendly. But Has it really got me anywhere NO only lonliness, Solitude,Sadness, and often wishing my time would end soon. I know all my health problems are catching up with me. My high blood and diabetes. And sooner or later I wont be on the net. I will be a memory to a few. Of Good times and laughing. Dont think I am planning on suicide. Cause I wont ever do it myself. But Time will take its toll finally and Old Reaper will knock on my door on night or day and I will Except his request. Hope everyone who reads this Has a good day or night. I love all my friends that is. So take care and i thank u so much for your time and effort reading this Blog. I know I seem to be feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am I know I am not the only person in the world who has my problems.But I only know how I feel. Brendan I love U and will be waiting on U. I still have hope to hold and love you someday. Huggs To ALL,,,,,, Ray