My Magic Man!!! by Ray Bailey

My Magic Man!!! by Ray Bailey

Sitting here doing nothing!!

TToday marks a milestone in my life. Its been a year since I got my PC I had such high hopes for meeting people and getting away from the lonliness i have endured all these years. The first month Last Nov 2008 I joined www.bearwww.com with many hopes of meeting a nice guy who would love me fully. I met a few I can name them in order First there was joesph,The dashing lover who was cute and from Russia .He soon lost interest in me and disapeared fully.Then Came Nach ,Now nach cared alot for me but he couldnt quit thinking about his boyfriend steve. I asked him for a exclusive chat ,and we did for awile. But He was very pushy and very unfeeling. I think we both lost interest in each other.I do think of him time from time though.Then I met Ron a 66 year old whos green eyed monster caught up with him over Nach.Than I met Brendan from Australia.Very sexy But he was taken at the time so we didnt talk too much.He will come back into the picture soon.Then Last January I got a Email from a guy named James. James seemed nice but couldnt get over his lover who passed away. This was hard for me But I really liked him But he was not responding in a way I needed. Months passed a few guys Like Garth, And Chris came and gone.I finally quit useing bear network and decided only to use it every 3 weeks.Over the months James was hot on my tail no pun intended.But last August I recieved a Email from this Kilner dude. He was very persistant in talking and caming with me.I put it off for awile thinking a flash in the pan.Then one night I decieded to give this a chance.I always wanted him more than any of the others I had spoke too.So we started talking.James was a tied bit angry.But I had made no commitment .I meen he wouldnt commit to me at all.So why should I wait on him.But I gave him a rough way to go for awile.But after we finally cammed I saw in his eyes he didnt want me at all. It was just that look of seeing me.The surprise of it all.So I quit bothering him at all.On the other hand Brendan I fell in love with. But then enters a guy named Eian who used to mow my grass. I never knew he was a chaser. So the fighting began But by this time I was so tired which leeds up to now. I often wonder if love is just a emotion one will get in the afterlife. I meen people here on earth seem to have there own agenda.But I am certain that I always ask for too much.I am always competeing with another Guys lover. I wonder if I will ever have my lover one that will talk about me only. One that will send me romance and flowers and I will take care of his needs as I should.Gay men being me too .Seen to lack communication skills. I tend to love to easy and get hurt.Being abused as a child I tend to ask for to much attention.And I am willing to do almost anything to get this.After 2 nervous breakdowns in my life 2 rapes and a slew of beating by various family members as a child . I am still so scared inside Hoping and praying that that man I dreamed about so long ago as a child will be in my arms.I am hoping it will be Brendan.But time will tell. My days come and go.I care for my mother constant.And she gets sicker everyday. When She is gone I have nothing but bad useless memories of days gone bye.I mean my childhood was horror in itself .After being raped at 10 by the boy in the neighborhood and being told I was the one to blame To my father abusing me with belts,hangers,tools anything he could get his hands on he hit me.And never having that love in my life has played sort of a toll on my body and mind. I guess i could try harder But what is harder? I meen I am the nicest guy you would ever want to meat. But most use me and throw me to the dogs when finished with me.They get what they want and then they are gone.Anyhow enough of the 80s Drama queen dramatics. I was thinking the other day about a time in 1986 when I was 16 years old.A guy who hated me on the bus tryed to cut my throat with a can. I got away from him He was another student at the High school i attended.Back in those days it was not very cool to say I am gay.So he hated me for my openiness.That day I left the bus with a cut next to my throat.I didnt try to go home because I was told I was not normal there either.So I want to a forest outside of our suburban complex. I layed on the ground hoping to die.But I woke up around 7pm.As a dog from down the street was licking my wounds.I got hell when I got home.Ofcourse it was my fault.My parents blamed me for being to openly gay.Only if I would find a sweet christian girl.YA RIGHT.But I often wonder if i was not to wake that day that my life would not be the shambles it is?? Maybe that was my time to go from this so called universe.Maybe I was supposed to die in that forest that day?I will never know.Thank you for reading my Blog. Love and huggs and kisses always.And If we never speak again always remember that Life comes in circles and we will meet again someday. Chat lines are only one way. oxoxox

More and more Depression!!

Hello to everyone who reads my blog.From the looks not to many. Anyhow Brendan leaves to go back to sydney tomorrow for 6 months.I will miss him dearly. But I feel all alone again. Its seems that I cant seem to get someone in my life for a long period of time. My depression has really been so bad in the last week that at time I feel very hopeless, confused, and very sleepy.I often want to cry but cant. My lonliness is very bad. Its seems I spend most of my time with this PC. I have a few friends who have been trying to contact me.James has been trying very hard. Also some others I have not named. Then I get a Email from a guy I had been talking too for awile. His name was tyree. He seemed very pushy and unsure of his own sexuality. His religious beliefs stood in our way of being more. I knew him before Brendan. He knew how I felt and often pushed and pleaded with me to come to my home.And when i refused he got angry and upset. I often dont have visitors. My mother is bed ridden and I care for her around the clock.So It can be very hard trying to just let anyone come over. Eian has been bothering me alot too. But Most only want to have sex with me and push me away. I have had that so much.When I refuse casual sex with a guy They loose interest. I want Romance Flowers sweet talk and sex. I want a guy to love me Cuddle me and hold me tight.I just wish I was being held each night. I have so much love to give. But It seems hopeless. The other night I ate 3 donuts and a whole bag of candy. BIG BAG! LoL My diabetic level was over 600 I fell asleep quick after.I notice myself trying to induce sleep as much as possible.But My insomnia is my lonliness. That cold bed. I just hate turning that light out and no one to hold or hold me.I often wonder if I am a one of a kind. I have notice that most guys over 99 percent Think manly about casual sex. My life seems very useless and very boring. I often get up Mom has her bath I help change bed,Diaper, And make her something to eat . I eat by myself in the living room with my dog smokey.Then Buy evening shes fast asleep and I am alone with my PC. Smokey sleeps from the bore.I recently told my doctor about my constant depression. She said she was keeping a eye on me.Most will have a memory of me one day when I am gone from this life to the next. My videos on youtube and my sweetness of being friendly. But Has it really got me anywhere NO only lonliness, Solitude,Sadness, and often wishing my time would end soon. I know all my health problems are catching up with me. My high blood and diabetes. And sooner or later I wont be on the net. I will be a memory to a few. Of Good times and laughing. Dont think I am planning on suicide. Cause I wont ever do it myself. But Time will take its toll finally and Old Reaper will knock on my door on night or day and I will Except his request. Hope everyone who reads this Has a good day or night. I love all my friends that is. So take care and i thank u so much for your time and effort reading this Blog. I know I seem to be feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am I know I am not the only person in the world who has my problems.But I only know how I feel. Brendan I love U and will be waiting on U. I still have hope to hold and love you someday. Huggs To ALL,,,,,, Ray

What is Saween??

Happy Halloween to all my friends. This starts a new year for me. Us wiccans look forward to each passing season.I have asked the goddess for peace and harmony this year. The last has been quite a battle.My lonliness has been very strong.But with many entering my life only one has shown his colors to be true and honest.I prayed to the goddess for mate I can love and be mine.Many suitors have come to me asking for my kindness and love.But most only think of themselves.Untill late in August I was getting Emails from Brendan Kilner from Australia.I often tried to ignore thinking he was like all the others.But from Our first talk in August I have fallen in love with him. His attitude is the sweetest.He always thinks of me.Asking me if I need anything. His looks are so handsome. His eyes are like we have met before. His smile makes my day. And his voice is so sexy.And being understanding is his top priority.He never forgets to tell me how much he loves me.How much I meen to him.And even though it may take awhile to come to the states. I am willing to wait as long as possible.The goddess tells us true love must be a task.If its easy then it wont last.On this saween day I am casting a luck and good fortune to all my good friends.I also wish and cast love. For love is the key to happiness.As we are part of her world.We are like the seasons. In spring we are born, We mature in summer. And Harvest in Fall.And when winter finally makes its appearance we must join her in the raindrops,rainbows,wind,fire,water and every living thing that planet earth has to offer us in multitude.For she promises Serenity happiness and love .Blessed be to all of you.I love you all.Cause to hate is strong as venom from a viper. Lets love one another this saween day.Maybe a walk or call a loved one.Or look at nature she has so much to offer if we give her a chance.Huggs and lotsa Chub Kisses to you all. Happy Saween,,, Ray

Waiting On Brendan To return!

I am doing ok I guess.I been trying to make myself busy. Brendan Left about only a week ago.He went to sydney to work enough hours.So he could get certified in nursing. He is moving here soon to me I hope. I have tryed liking other guys. But I cant get him off my mind. Hes so romantic.He makes me feel so sexy. He is so sexy hisself too.He has the most beautiful body. His eyes are like Gems and His skin is so pure and natural. He has that red hair that I love so much. But most of all its his smile.He makes me laugh and he acts like hisself. He not afraid to be hisself.And I love that. I just miss him so much.But its only 3 weeks and he texts me and calls me ever so often. I know that someday soon he will come to me. We will have a life together. I have had so many guys who want me. But he stands out I cant explain it. Well intill next time I blog Huggs ray

Good Afternoon or Evening!

Hello and good afternoon.I am just sitting here writing this Blog.Very Cold Gloomy, And Dark afternoon.My depression is really playing a toll on me today.I think I have cried only about 20 times off and on.Loneliness can play a toll on ones life sometimes.But The weather could have something to do with it.I am posting a video I did recently.I hope you like it.Its also on My facebook,Youtube, And various web sites.My dog smokey is very sleepy today.But hes in my lap.Keeping me warm. Well I need to go finish my dinner.I will Blog again either today or tomorrow. Big WARM Huggs Ray

Getting to know me

Well this is my first Blog entry.I am 39 years old and I am a very fat man.I live a very lonely life and I hate myself most of the time.I do videos to make people laugh.But inside I am starved for the attention of a man.I always was a child of depression.I tryed committing suicide as a teenager.I lived in a small town as a boy.And My father was a pastor of a local church.And my mother was a Sunday school teacher.Being Gay as a child was very hard.I was told I was not normal and my family was often ashmed of me.But I never truly found a boyfriend it being a small town and all.But I will tell you more about my life in more blogs to come.I still long for that enbrace of someone.I have had a computer for 2 years now.And I have only found 2 people who have been honest with me.My life in general is very lonely.I care for my ailing mother who is blind and is bed Ridden.I also care for a step sister who is also bed ridden.Sometimes my days seen very mundane.I have no money as I am disabled myself.But I do the best I can.I try to make friends on the net.In real life I have no friends to speak of.My PC is my only conpainion .I myself have so much love to give.But I have noticed in todays society.Most men dont want love.They want only a few other needs.Manly sex. Which is great.But I want a romance.I never really had someone to care and need me.Most only want to use me.Which I am not conplaning about it.I let them do it for the attention.In other words I go on with my mundane life and they go off the net with there charmed lifes after out chat or so.I believe that alot of Gay men today feel the PC is a sex object.Being my size any attention is good.But I have days where I never brush my hair or even shower.Because of my depression.And helping mother and sister can play a toll on one soul.But What am I to do? I recently went to my Doctor for a checkup.I go every 2 months.She told me I wouldnt live very long because of all my health problems.My size,Herdity,Etc,,, But I did not cry because I feel My time on earth will come to a end soon anyhow.With Diabetes,Heart disease,Tyroid problem and My Deep depreesion I take over 13 different meds perday.So My life is pretty much set.I continue to laugh,cry,hurt,sleep,eat,you know the drill.I try making new friends sometimes.But lately I been pushing people away.I met a guy online recently who I really like.I feel he likes me.But Its still up in the air as I write this.He does not want know one to know we are together.Maybe because of a secret.I maybe I am his dirty secret.Who knows? But I still need him.He talks so good to me and I need a good friend.But we will see if it works out? I am hoping for a life someday.Because being poor and Not having nothing is very shameful when you have no one,No family,And no life at all.I guess I can watch the roaches crawl?Well anyhow,As I said earlier it justs seems my days are numbered.I am also a Pagen for I turned againist the church ofter the abuse as a child.But I have found my way finally.Pagens are very liberal people.And I enjoy the meditation on a daily basis.How can one be happy I think sometimes??? Well I dont know? Maybe when life does finally end ,then finally one can find peace serenity and most of all love.Maybe heaven is being held,Loved,Kissed,And all your dreams rolled up in one.I sure hope so cause this living exsistance is a far cry from anything perfect.I will continue to blog about my life.Dont feel sorry for me either.I am to blame for my own problems.We all have a destiny.And the path you choose is of your own making! Thanks for your time.Ray