More and more Depression!!

Hello to everyone who reads my blog.From the looks not to many. Anyhow Brendan leaves to go back to sydney tomorrow for 6 months.I will miss him dearly. But I feel all alone again. Its seems that I cant seem to get someone in my life for a long period of time. My depression has really been so bad in the last week that at time I feel very hopeless, confused, and very sleepy.I often want to cry but cant. My lonliness is very bad. Its seems I spend most of my time with this PC. I have a few friends who have been trying to contact me.James has been trying very hard. Also some others I have not named. Then I get a Email from a guy I had been talking too for awile. His name was tyree. He seemed very pushy and unsure of his own sexuality. His religious beliefs stood in our way of being more. I knew him before Brendan. He knew how I felt and often pushed and pleaded with me to come to my home.And when i refused he got angry and upset. I often dont have visitors. My mother is bed ridden and I care for her around the clock.So It can be very hard trying to just let anyone come over. Eian has been bothering me alot too. But Most only want to have sex with me and push me away. I have had that so much.When I refuse casual sex with a guy They loose interest. I want Romance Flowers sweet talk and sex. I want a guy to love me Cuddle me and hold me tight.I just wish I was being held each night. I have so much love to give. But It seems hopeless. The other night I ate 3 donuts and a whole bag of candy. BIG BAG! LoL My diabetic level was over 600 I fell asleep quick after.I notice myself trying to induce sleep as much as possible.But My insomnia is my lonliness. That cold bed. I just hate turning that light out and no one to hold or hold me.I often wonder if I am a one of a kind. I have notice that most guys over 99 percent Think manly about casual sex. My life seems very useless and very boring. I often get up Mom has her bath I help change bed,Diaper, And make her something to eat . I eat by myself in the living room with my dog smokey.Then Buy evening shes fast asleep and I am alone with my PC. Smokey sleeps from the bore.I recently told my doctor about my constant depression. She said she was keeping a eye on me.Most will have a memory of me one day when I am gone from this life to the next. My videos on youtube and my sweetness of being friendly. But Has it really got me anywhere NO only lonliness, Solitude,Sadness, and often wishing my time would end soon. I know all my health problems are catching up with me. My high blood and diabetes. And sooner or later I wont be on the net. I will be a memory to a few. Of Good times and laughing. Dont think I am planning on suicide. Cause I wont ever do it myself. But Time will take its toll finally and Old Reaper will knock on my door on night or day and I will Except his request. Hope everyone who reads this Has a good day or night. I love all my friends that is. So take care and i thank u so much for your time and effort reading this Blog. I know I seem to be feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am I know I am not the only person in the world who has my problems.But I only know how I feel. Brendan I love U and will be waiting on U. I still have hope to hold and love you someday. Huggs To ALL,,,,,, Ray